Emotion Coaching – Julia Park

See below for full transcript of a talk done by Mat and Julia Park. You can learn more about Julia and her work here.

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Matt: Yeah, I really got into emotional coaching through my wife and it was very informative because it wasn’t just kids, it actually helped me learn a lot about how to name my emotions you know and especially in our culture, in Korean culture, you don’t talk about emotions that often so to be open about it and to kind of name it, Julia will go into it a lot, it’s a little bit about

[ 0:26 – 0:27], were here to provide you some tools and really kind of discuss some of the questions and things you might want to hear and some of the things you might be wrestling with so we’ll be here to kind of support that you know this whole idea of raising emotionally intelligent children there’s a buzz word you know the buzzword of emotional intelligence you have emotional agility all these things are coming out so we’re going to go into what that is

Julia: Emotion coaching is the emotional intelligence this is the buzzword these days like you said so doctor Gottman that he’s a researcher and he did a research on couples and relationship between child and parent and how many of you guys want your child or children to grow up and become successful <laughing> what about happy <laughing> okay what about healthy, all of us okay what about all three, good good <laughing> then you’re in the right place emotion coaching, when a parent becomes an emotion coach to the their children there are many benefits so there’s intra competency which is intra meaning your relationship with yourself and inter competency, interpersonal competence meaning your relationship with other people

Matt : you know this whole saying that you can name it to tame it she’s going to go into that but that’s a catchphrase that we want you to leave with as well but really recognizing your emotions and then being able to not only articulate what your feeling but then being able to empathize, what does that mean empathy you know how do you even teach empathy that’s what emotion coaching really is about, it’s about identifying emotions recognizing them so you got to name it to tame it and the you have tools that you can use to self soothe and then your able to identify certain emotions and other people as well

Julia: So as you mention name it to tame it so I’m going to give you a simple hand model so everybody can raise their right arm like this okay so I want you to fold your thumb okay and then, so this is an limbic area, the limbic area is responsible for emotion right so I’m just going to represent my arm as a brain stem and then here is the oh sorry the spinal cord and the brain stem so the brainstem helps us to survive right so this area is what we call the downstairs area of our brain so the downstairs area keeps us alive right so when you feel hungry or when you feel angry or happy so it’s all part of the downstairs right and were born with it so we call this the ancient brain as well so now I’m going to close my hand like this and we call this closing the lid of our brain so have you guys ever heard of people saying that “that person literally just flipped there lid” right so <laughing> so the lid is the prefrontal cortex area of the brain so the prefrontal cortex continues to develop till we’re like 25 years old right so this we call it the modern brain. So modern brain helps us to make rational decisions to make us, help us be creative with problem solving right so Doctor Dan Siegel he is a new York scientist and psychiatrist he says if you know how to name it you know how to tame it so if you can explain this to your children they know that okay right now my lid is flipped right so what do you do what you can do is you can help them name their emotions and were going to get to get to it a little bit more in detail so this you call this hand handling model and you can use this for yourself and you can also use it to teach your children okay this is what you’re experiencing right now

Matt : ​were going to go into it a little bit later on our slides but doctor Gottman is saying that there is research on how long it takes to actually close the lid and calm your emotions when it’s really flooded and hot any questions? Okay so what we plan to cover today in the short time that we have together we plan to introduce doctor Gottman and his research, emotion coaching and how it all got started we made a little video so you guys can actually see doctor Gottman in person or not in person virtually unpack the four types of parenting styles so there’s going to be four parenting styles that we’re kind of going to uncover and emotion coaching, Gottman calls this the five step model and were going to teach you the five steps that Gottman has researched discuss the barriers to emotion coaching so we’re going to talk about what gets in the way sometimes of being able to be you know emotionally available for children. When not to use emotion coaching so there’s areas that doctor Gottman studied where it might not be as appropriate to use emotion coaching so we’re going to uncover some of that and then limit setting and five steps to problem solving model that doctor Gottman created as well and we’ll kind of give you hopefully some tangible tools to leave with okay so this kind of the start of [6:22 – 6:23] So right now we wanted to show a little video it’s about four minutes long but we’ll show you a little bit of emotion coaching from the man himself

Julia: so he talks briefly about meta emotion so meta emotion is how we feel about emotions and this happens even in couples relationships too, I might of grown up in a family where we expressed our emotion and I think it’s okay and appropriate to express emotion but he may have come from you know a family background where you don’t talk about emotions you know you just deal with it right so how are we going to be able to you know work through that so emotion coaching is about helping your child be aware have better self awareness about what they’re experiencing and we talk about naming it to tame it so we want to give them the vocabulary help them label you know their emotion then they can paint it right and you want to be your children’s emotion coach you want to guide them so your feeling this this way so what are we going to do with it so you want to put limits on so it’s okay to feel this way that’s okay it’s acceptable but its not okay do or act this way so at the end of emotion coaching we’re going to cover how to set limits and how  to become problem solvers together

Matt ​:so we have a little activity just a little scenario here so I just want you to imagine not like this picture never happened to any of us here <laughter> right never

Audience member : ​Everyday

Matt : no no not everyday [ Laughter ] so just imagine this happening. so you have a preschooler asking you for a snack and you say no since its close to dinner time and your child starts to whine and say “I’M SO HUNGRY” when you turn away your child goes to the cupboard and reaches for a box of crackers and you say no again and your child starts throwing the crackers around the kitchen and your child throws a temper tantrum and starts kicking on the floor well what’s your first reaction, whats your first instinct, distress, yes <<8:55-9:07>

Julia: I used to go straight to like ok because I need mean well and am a parent right so what am I going to need to fix your behaviour because I used to look at the surface level right so these are… now we’re going to cover according to researchers these are some examples how parents who usually normally respond so

Matt: You ignore the child, you take the crackers and you throw them away you go back to making dinner you leave your child kicking on the floor you realise that you waited too long to respond

Julia:​ It happens

Man1: ​yeah, you tell your child to clean up the crackers you tell your children to sit on the stairs for a timeout and walk away you let your child to kick and scream on the floor, you tell your child to shape up you say “I know you aren’t hungry” you don’t want to be manipulated as a parent and lastly you realise you’ve been busy all afternoon you help your child pick up the crackers you tell your child that it’s not okay for a cracker you ask your child to think of another way to wait for dinner

Julia: what do you guys think which is the best way to <Laughter> you realise that number four <10:16-10:22> but we’d be at number two <the audience along with matt say yes> a lot of us do I used to you know respond with number two because id get fixated on this behaviour like No you know you can’t do that right but I don’t validate her emotion what she’s feeling and these little people there having all these emotional experience and it gets so overwhelming and they don’t know what to do with it right so next we’re going to cover the four different styles of parenting so first one is dismissing style the first two examples were dismissing style you don’t really pay attention to what your feeling you don’t really address any of there behavioural problems or issues so you call this dismissing style secon is disapproving style right “were not hungry” “I know your not hungry” you’re trying to make my life difficult right <laughter> your telling that hey your not feeling that way you’re just trying to manipulate me your disapproving how there feeling right and third is laissez-faire style meaning that <10:35-10:37> and said its okay to express you know you know your emotion you know its just being who you are I accept you and love you no matter what laissez and faire but there’s not limits to that right the last one is ofcourse emotion coaching so we are going to get uhm into detail about uhm those different styles

MAT: So here we have the dismissing style uhm again you know like the picture you know what you as a parent with dismissing style might think in your head or say out loud it’s not that bad put a smile on your face your really missing the emotion and your not necessarily teaching them how to make a…

Julia: You’re literally dismissing how they’re feeling so I mean if you see a child look like that what do you think that there feeling right now what are some of the feelings you think that they’re having

Audience member​: overwhelmed

Matt and Julia​ : Overwhelmed yes  

Julia ​:stressed right

Audience member:​ neglected

Matt:​ Neglected yes

Julia ​: Yes what else, embarrassed right but they don’t have the vocabulary to express that right so as a parent you want to help them “Hey are you feeling stressed you feeling overwhelmed” you want to help them name there emotion but dismissing style they just kind of like they feel uncomfortable with that kind of feeling so there like its okay just be happy right just put on a smile on your face so that’s dismissive style dismissing the emotion

Matt:​yeah and what they say is that research says that children feel ignored and unimportant with that dismissing style

Julia​:like my feelings are not important it doesn’t matter who cares about my feelings right

Matt​:Did you have a question

Audience member :​do you care if I take a pictures

Julia ​:go ahead

Matt​:oh please yeah absolutely if theres pictures <13:35-13:40> <laughter> so i’ll do the next one the next parenting style is disapproving style

Julia: Disapproving style is I think its most toxic and it happens in couples to so Gottman his initial research was on couples right and he was able to predict divorce with over 90 percent accuracy based on those four patterns so criticism when you criticize the other person right uhm defensiveness what happens when you feel criticized you defend yourself you play innocent victim or you power attack right and the third one is contempt this is the worst of all four because you call this sulphuric acid to relationships you act as if im better then you right I know more im wiser then uhm im sexier the nyou right < laughter>

Matt​: Well it’s true so <laughter> I can’t argue with that

julia: and then stone walling stone walling is just like its name it just literally shut down from conversation so you’re literally it just feels like your just talking to a stone wall your not responding to me so those four are negative communication patterns in a relationship so disapproving style would be an example of contempt and criticism you’re criticizing your your child so if your child throws a temper tantrum you remain <15:16> you know you are terrible you know not your acting very uhm I don’t know inappropriate right

Matt:​ yeah

Julia : You’re not describing the behaviour your actually doing a name calling your criticizing right your being very contentful pretentious like I know more then you right I know better you just listen to me you disapprove their emotion so example of that is “Hey nobody wants to be around a whiner” right or ” “if you keep that up you’ll be in trouble”right so your disapproving there emotion with criticism or contempt

Matt:​Children feel shame they they feel small uhm and alot of us might resonate with these parenting styles we all we all do every everyone it’s not if you if you resonate with one more then another it’s not that your doing bad parenting we just get overwhelmed you don’t have the tools that’s part of emotion coaching to help with the parents as well because we don’t really know where to start so we might cover all four I know I do I cover all four sometimes saying what Gottman says about relationships the four patterns of communication that are very destructive we all do that its its just apart of the you know but we want to develop our tools so we don’t do them as often so we have the tools to do something different

Julia​:and it’s all about <16:46> says every couple have fights you can’t not have fights that’s not the definition of healthy relationships same thing goes for parents you’re going to have struggles your going to mess up but you have to prepare right you have to say sorry right “I messed up” then they think that hey it’s okay to mess up right and they learn how to own up to it

Matt:​Okay next we have laissez faire style uhm you want to say a little bit more about laissez faire

Julia: I think I covered lightley the the previous uhm slides like everything’s okay all feelings are acceptable

Matt: so it almost like like letting people or let the children not only be their emotion and express that emotion and there’s no consequence the behaviours “oh whatever

Julia:​ no boundaries

Matt: yeah exactly no boundries and uhm what research say is that children often feel indulged but overwhelmed they they need boundaries they they need limits and they need to know where there bounds are so if you go to a playground what is there first response they go to the edge they see where they’re boundary is and then they go back to their play area because they know that boundary and they need parents to be parents

Julia: susan stiffelman she wrote a column a uhm book column parenting with presents it’s a really great book and she talks about uhm as parents one of you get the captain of the ship right captain of the ship uhm the captain needs to stay very calm right but you also have to be in control right so uhm she shows a model like you know this is the this is the captain of the ship your the captain right and your child is supposed to follow your lead right but then there’s also uhm was it lawyer it was a lawyer

Matt:yeah yeah lawyer and

Julia: Oh a dictator

Matt:​yeah

Julia: okay there’s a dictator and a lawyer type so dictator is where your just telling them what to do you know you do this you follow my role no matter what you know you don’t really care about how they’re feeling or whatsoever and then the lawyer is when your child starts to uhm <laughter> rationalize with you and you you just kind of like

Matt​:go into it

Julia ​: Yeah

Matt:​debate and so yeah

Julia: yeah so you want to be the captain of the ship where your the captain you stay calm and you draw the boundaries

Matt​:absolutely and uh the last one emotion coaching style that’s what we’re going to build into a little bit more uhm you know if you notice these uhm these examples and these sayings tell me how you feel I understand I feel that way too there’s that identification theres that kind of uhm empathy I understand that you’re you were angry but you cannot hit someone when your angry so its not it fist validating that emotion but then disapproving of that behaviour so kids dont necessarily say that they feel ashamed because your not saying they were the problem your saying the problem was the problem your behaviour are the problem. Let’s think together of the things you could do when you feel this way so it really we’re going to talk about problem solving a

little bit but it’s a collaborative effort  even though your the captain of the ship a lot of times  A lot of time your powers [20:11 – 20:13] by problem solving together and maybe guide in a way but you got to first validate before you get into the problem solving

Julia: You want to share about that  example navy seal

Matt: Oh yes so Denver Rorke is a navy seal and they go through this training called the BUDS training Basic Underwater Demolition Seals Training.its one of the most difficult trainings and there’s a washout rate of over 85 percent so people cant pass and so there doing their activities and things like that in this high intense simulation training and they’re all very stressed out and something went wrong and they’re all kind of panicking and they’re looking towards the captain and the captain said timeout everybody come here and he was like he was the captain of all captains he was the chief and they respected him so much they all said okay this could be good and they took a knee and he said I’m going to give you one advice and this advice is going to carry throughout your entire life it’s going to impact all relationships all that you do and he said calm is contagious it’s all he said , he said calm is contagious and he went into that not only is calm is calm contagious he couldn’t replace that clam and he when people are looking to you for directions for example like lets say your in a flight who do we look to when there’s turbulence? We might look to the captain or the flight attendant and there panincking “oh my gosh” that anxiety is contagious but if they are taking command then there calm even though they might be internally freaking out it’s contagious it rubs off on things so modelling they watch what you do so everybody follow me everybody put your right hand up make an okay sign if you can okay so everybody has an okay sign now everybody put it on your chin <laughter> 55 percent must communicate with non verbal communication kids watch what we do every time not necessarily what we say 35 percent is communicate with the tone of your voice and only 7 percent communicating by the content of what you say so kids watch is calmness contagious? yes

Audience member:​ I think it’s a good idea calmness contagious to take a  breath

Matt:​ Yes

Audience Member:​ before you react

Matt: Yes absolutely, doctor John Gottman and Julia will go into this about the importance of the breath and self soothing yourself as a parent to for yourself [23:23 – 23:25] when you parent so you need to name your emotion and you nee to put that lid back yourself and we do that by self soothing whatever that may be and with emotion coaching children feel accepted and safe all those things that we wanted, we wanted our children to be successfull we wanted our children to be healthy we wanted them to be happy and emotion coaching is a vehicle through research that shares that this is a way that we could get more tools as a parent because a lot of times we dont know what we’re doing. Any questions?

Audience Member: I think one of the problems that we have is when we go back to the crackers is it really about the crackers like is it really about you know hunger or something like that is there some other undeerline like do you just take it face value or is it something else that’s really driving the misbehaviour

Matt:I think that curiosity as a parent is the heart of emotion coaching

Julia​:Absolutely

Matt​: Is to be able to navigate that with your child because it might not be about the crackers might not be about the hunger but it’s how he is a captain of that house that situation how are we going to navigate that emotion or that particular so we can call it the behaviour but we can can label it a little bit more with questions

Julia: So you want to help them name emotion like hey let’s figure out how you are feeling are you feeling frustrated right well then your know name it to tame it right and then well I understand your feeling this way but its not okay to behave that way there are somethings that we can do right we can come up with solutions together as a team yeah but I think like what you said thats the heart of parenting you have to come from a place of curiosity

Matt:​ Yeah

Julia:​ Explore together

Matt​: yeah did that answer your question a bit

Audience member: Yeah I just worry sometimes about taking because the contact is just the crackers

Matt​: Yeah [laughter]

Julia:​ I know it could be [25:35] right

Audience member​ : yeah

Julia: What you want to do is is you want to explore together yeah because we don’t how many of you guys want a healthy relationship with your children when they grow up when they become adults do you want them to come to you when they’re in trouble

Audience Members: yes, yeah

Julia: So they build trust with you an intimacy im feeling this negative emotion I feeling I don’t feel so pretty right but then “ Hey my parents will accept me , they’ll be there for me “ right and through that your going to create a trusting connection with your child so when they grow up there going to hopefully we hope that our daughter will come to us not be afraid

Matt: [26:22-26:26:23] I identify with you the overthinking others one day my daughter was coming she’s not necessarily putting words together yet so she’s crying she’s pulling on me and I was trying to do the emotion coaching I was like “ are you feeling frustrated was daddy not paying enough time, was I on my phone too much? “ and she was like [sobbing] I was trying to identify what it was right she just took a poop [LAUGHTER] she just wanted me to change her diaper so its like overthinking yes we all do that but its just navigating and then just being graceful with ourselves and saying you know let me just try this let me give it a shot. So benifits of emotion coaching

Julia: Yeah we cover those and that’s the book, doctor Gottman’s book “Raising an Intelligent Child” so obviously you perform better academically because you can focus better right but your child has been emotion coached they know how to focus and the motivation comes from inside right and they’re more resilient as a result and more emotion is stable fewer behavioural problems because they know how to regulate their emotion right so they can empathize with other people better so they have more better relationship with peers and fewer infectious illnesses is really interesting because you know as I talked about criticism and contempt before they did a study and after four years right after four years the the partner or the child who’s been in this contemptuous environment they’re, it effects they’re immune system so they get sick more often right so Gottman says “Hey if you want your spouse or if you want your child to get sick alot be critical and be contemptuous [laughter]

Matt: Yeah so these are the five steps that were going to transition into actually emotion coaching need of it. The first one “ Being aware of your child’s emotion” it’s simply the awareness piece

Julia​: Start noticing like [28:34] your child and this with children it’s really important to assert them when they do when they just play with themselves right with their toys or something right so just start to observe and be more aware of hey how does my child respond when she’s or he’s feeling you know angry or happy start observing how they react it starts from awareness and observation and then after use that you know when there having this emotional experience they have to change your, shift your perspective where “Hey this is an opportunity” to you know have a connection with my child because when your there for your child when there vulnerable that’s when trust and intimacy comes in see it as an opportunity and then third helping your child verbally label the emotion and one exercise that I guess you could take with you today is this is called emotion law right so you have more emotions than you know happy sad and frustrated there are a whole lot of emotions and you’ll be so surprised when you start to research the different you types of emotion so everyday come up with two emotions you stick with your child and say “today we’re going to come up with two emotions that your feeling and talk about it” right “how do you feel when you feel this way” so start educating them and help them label emotion that’s one exercise. Next is communicate empathy and understanding so if you want to talk about empathy a little bit

Matt: yeah and the communicating empathy and understanding as you see comes before limit setting and problem solving so communicating that would be invalidating that emotion understanding that have any, have you heard of Brene Brown. Doctor Brene Brown wrote many books Daring greatly, Vulnerability. She- if you look up vulnerability she talks a lot about empathy and she says the difference between empathy and sympathy is you for example at least, at least when someone is feeling sympathetic and let’s say someone had a miscarriage or something like that they would say “at least you could get pregnant”

Audience Member ​: That happened to somebody my brother in law said that to me, I had a miscarriage, “well at least your pregnant” it’s crazy

Julia: ​Yeah

Matt: ​ It misses, it misses it. It misses the [31:21 – 31:24] and the communicating and understanding of that person, empathy is really putting yourself into that person’s shoes you might not need to say anything but it’s really being you know getting down and just saying you know I’m here with you I’m not sure what you’re going through right now I just want you to know that I’m here with you and the nonverbal just getting down on your knees you know communicates a lot

Julia: Yeah you have to pull that emotion out you right so you have to remember ‘Hey when did I feel that emotion’ that you think that persons having right so your actually she has this [32:04] when they frown and she describes empathy your actually walking down to the basement where that persons in right and you say “Hey I’ve been there Its sucks I’m sorry “you could just you know be present to how they’re feeling and that means you have to access that emotion right

Matt: Yeah, Imagine a parent saying that to you if the parent were to identify that and just say “you know what it sucks I’ve been there” how connected would you feel if that person you know sensed a opportunity for a connection so us as parents we are given the opportunity to connect with our children when they are emotions as opposed to shying away from them sometimes it’s kind of lenient it makes all the difference and then limit setting and problem solving together so that work together the collaborative problem solving you might already know what the- but it’s really being able to equip them with critical thinking problem solving and collaborative work “ let’s do this together what are some other ways we can behave ask for what we need before dinner time [33:13 – 33:17]

Julia: so, the keyword would be understanding must precede advice so Understanding must precede advice and this applies to human relationships like couple relationships so I might have a terrible day at work and I don’t really want my husband to you do the problem solving I just want to vent I just want him to stay with me right empathize with me but he might start giving me advice

Matt: Guilty [Laughter]

Julia: I just want him to stay with me you know how I feel in the moment so [33:57 – 34:05] yeah

Matt: You know this resonates with me so much you know my child was not giving me a hard time my child was having a hard time and a lot of times I forget that I just feel I focus on myself I’m overwhelmed I’m stressed you don’t know how important this email is I mean they don’t care about the email [34:31] it’s like my child was having a hard time so what can I do in those moments

Julia: and this you know that picture of this girl like on the floor [laughing] throwing tantrum so my daughter does that a lot and I used to before I got into emotion coaching I used to be like oh my god your giving me such a hard time right like your giving me a hard time but then now I look at her and I go oh baby you having a hard time right so change in perspective

Matt: yeah change in perspective here’s some barriers to emotion coaching

Julia: So there are definitely barriers to emotion coaching we want to do it but somethings getting  in the way and the first one is parental agenda and this applied to me before because I’ll get fixated on okay I want my child to well behave right I want her to well behave I want her to be straight A student right I want her to succeed in life so I  would really focus on my own agenda my parental agenda that gives me way right so you want to start thinking about what’s my child’s agenda okay and the next is understanding temperament and I’m sure you two are experts at this. You two have a lot of kids at home and they all, they all have same temperament or

Audience Member: Well no [ Laughter]

Julia: right

Audience Member: The older ones are you know there doing their own thing right now working through all this stuff with their own kids but there’s a lot of personalities

Julia: Yeah

Audience Member: A lot of personalities

Audience Member: It’s amazing how even like his twins how drastically different their personalities are [36:29] definitely more than just they’re personalities their temperament like they just have their emotions are on the opposite end of the spectrum it’s like one got em and one didn’t [laughter]

Julia: So true Yeah there twins they’re supposed to be identical but yeah like you said do you guys tailor to they’re temperament when it keeps [36:51]

Audience member: I mean when they turn 21 its more moving from [36:57] to I’m here for advice if you need it you’re not really telling them don’t do this don’t do that or else I’ll put you in the corner and there’s only one [37:08 – 37:09]

Audience Member: But the little ones I mean

Audience Member: But the little ones I mean we got one in college and one in high school so were transitioning from giving more advice when needed or when I ask yeah yeah

Audience Member: The two and four year olds they are very different the older one I mean [37:34 – 37: 36] the older ones a little more sensitive and the younger ones is a little more wild right so I mean  it’s easier for me to when there upset to identify those emotions which is something we currently do or at least I do say “okay your frustrated” and you know [37:54 – 37:55] it hasn’t changed his behaviour long term like at the moment it does calm him down and it does help but like in a situation like in the example seeing the crackers that would never be a situation where I would be like I can see your frustrated I would be “ you’re not listening”  it’s just [38:13 – 38:14} screaming at his brother taking his toys away it’s easy to identify that it’s a time where this is effective and appropriate but when he’s not listening because he wants crackers it’s hard to identify the – like you that that’s the appropriate time and there’s emotions involved and not just crackers and we did want him to listen

Audience Member: I mean for the most part right

Julia: yeah

Audience Member: They listen for

Audience Member: yeah

Audience Member: It just those 10 percent of the time where there just oblivious and just doing they’re thing

Julia: The way you guys mentioned that one’s sensitive and the other ones not sensitive

Audience Member: [laughter]

Julia: Right so they have different temperament and temperament is that your born with something you can’t right

Audience Member: yeah, it’s amazing it really is its fascinating

Julia: And my doctor has my temperament right so I tend to be a little bit more cause I’m first child so I’m more dominant [Laughter] and has more has more has you’re the last child right

Matt: Yeah, I’m the youngest

Julia: Youngest so

Matt: I love chick flicks so [ Laughter]

Julia: He has four older sisters and

Matt: Yeah, I cry a lot [ Laughter]

Julia: right so research shows that its really tough for parents to see their own child and they see like similar temperament right because you know some would think that pushes and when your child does that your like “ oh my god how does she know right” so it’s really important to understand that temperament and [ 39: 56] to that according to that and last one is flooding and I think you mentioned about flooding you say sometimes you have to take a break right yeah [40;07 – 40:09] so flooding is the term that doctor Gottman came up with from his research so it [40:15] most of the time [40:18]  85 percent of the time [40:20] so he was curious he was like why [40:22 – 40:24] so he was hook up you know men in this machine and he would measure their heartbeat right and what he found was that their heartbeat started to escalate right so 80 is like the average right and it goes above 100 beats per minute right heart rate starts escalating what they do is they shut down from the conversation so what does that mean? It means that their emotionally [40:52]

Audience Member: yes, trying to regulate their heart rate

Julia: Exactly so they’re trying to regulate themselves emotionally and [41:03] but does that help in a conversation in a conflict conversation when your partners suddenly shuts down

Audience Member: It doesn’t help [ Laughter] [44:14 – 44:16 ]

Julia : Your thinking brain modern brain is not working anymore so you have no ability to like reason or do creative problem solving right so what you do is research shows it takes twenty minutes at least for your body to come down to the base line right so during that 20 minutes you want to intentionally to engage in activities that makes helps you relax so you don’t want to think about okay in 20 minutes I’m going to have to come back you know this is how I’m going to you know

Matt: fight about it or argue a point yeah

Julia: Yeah but you have to be intentional about trying to calm her emotional and physiological state with walking or out getting fresh air right do some deep breathing exercise whatever it might be right do that calming activity intentionally and also, it’s really important that when you feel that way you don’t want to just like “Okay I’m feeling flooded “and just storm out of the room because the other person feels like that was rude

Audience Member: yeah [42;29 – 42:30] yeah yeah

Julia: Business so what you want to do is you want to have specific designated time and place they’re going to come back and talk about when your lid

Matt: yeah close your… So Doctor Gottman talks about when you’re taking a break it’s very  important to communicate expectations for the [42:51] you know like “ I’m feeling flooded I need to take a break lets meet back in the kitchen in 20 minutes and we’ deal with the kind of we’ll be able to talk about it but let’s both kind of disengage for a minuet for a second and close that lid for ourselves and then we can communicate together and more of you know more of a way that’s not going to be criticism contemptuous offensive things like that so

Julia: This is a helpful tool for a parent but [43:24 – 43:26] for your child you want to help your child explain understand better concepts right so I don’t know come up with like a signal or sign okay when you feel that way give me a sign right and that we’ll pull the brake and were going to come back to talk about it so this concept can be applied to parenting as well as couple’s relationship

Matt: Absolutely, Barriers to emotion coaching so we talked about parental agenda like our own agenda for that children or child instead of their informing us we talked about temperament

Julia: Understanding temperament

Matt: Understanding Temperament

Julia: The last one is the flooding

Matt: Flooding yeah

Julia: You want to

Matt: Yeah so this is Dan Seigel’s book “the whole brain child “it’s a great book he’s a psychiatrist and he talks about it you can YouTube him as well if you want to you’ll go into the palm end model this being our this being our AMYGDALA this is where our big emotions are and this is our pre- frontal cortex the wise kind of the captain basically is usually like this so what triggers it the lids flipped

Julia: You can’t think rationally anymore

Matt: You can’t think rationally so you need to be able to name it what’s happening to tame it now here’s a some interesting stats “When not to use emotion coaching” you know some situations don’t necessarily it’s not effective when you’re in a hurry a lot of the time it’s not because we’re rushing things, you just need to get in the car or something like that you just need to

Julia: Get in the car [ Laughter]

Matt: yeah so you need to be a little more directive so that like “hmm Johnny I wonder why

Audience Member: Let’s do five step emotion coaching

Matt: Yeah yeah exactly

Julia: It’s not going to work right

Matt : This is what I appreciate about Gottman is that it’s not a cookie cutter approach   like you got to do this every situation it’s very specific and there saying well it’s not going to be effective in these cases so safety is a concern like this picture the child is running out into the street you got to take charge it’s not going to be effective if you’re just going to follow him “ Oh how you feeling right now “ you know { Laughter } that’s not necessarily effective uh you don’t do it in an open

[ 45:49] and a lot of times

Audience Member: Embarrass your child in public

Matt: Yeah you don’t want to embarrass them you might want to pull them away in the bathroom and start emotion coach better [45;55 – 45:56] you might need to accept the effects so again you need to be able to recognize your own emotions and name yourself calm yourself take a breath do whatever you can before you can rationalize

Julia: sometimes if you get flooded and you somehow explode you know then you just have to get prepared [ 46: 15 – 46;17] you just come back and say, “Mommy was flooded” right and I’m sorry apologize and then you start emotion coaching yeah, it’s okay to mess up

Matt: Yeah it really is and just being able to model that remember this like put it on your chin {Laughter] they have the model that’s okay that we mess-up and that’s okay.

Julia: They’re going to learn that it’s okay to mess up

Matt: Exactly.  You need to address serious behaviours if something is alarming, you need to address it

Julia: [46:48 – 46:50]

Matt: yeah, exactly and again, it’s important to talk about the behaviour about not labelling that child as ‘you’re bad’ but ‘that behaviour was bad’ that different. It’s not critism or an attack on who they are, it’s more of their behaviours. I don’t know what you’re going through but you’re, but what you did right now, that behaviour is not acceptable. Your child’s emotion does not match the situation. So, any questions about this?

Audience member: how do you address, like you’re saying address serious behaviours without like without the emotional issue

Julia: well address the feeling like hey it’s not okay to steel, it’s not acceptable so like how did you feel when you stole something

audience member: or like its wrong to steel, the person who produced the goods needs to be paid so I guess that sucks sort of

matt: it is. Your kind of having them see in different perspectives and shaking that perspective of what might be the consequences of some of those things or while you’re talking about it the consequences and you’re still taking behaviour and not globally attacking that your son or whoever that might be

Julia: I think I get your point. You want to be sensitive right cause you don’t want to

audience member: I want him to understand that what he’s doing is wrong. Stealing is wrong, offensive or you can go to jail and there is a reason we have rules and then explain the reasons behind those

Julia: I think that’s great/ that’s the moment that you after the fact yes instead of trying to write it down

matt/audience member: I think that was beautifully said. That’s pretty much the labelling and emotional coaching that comes afterwards just shutting down that behaviour but not attacking that person but more attacking that kind of behaviour. 5 steps to problem solving were going to switch gears into limit problem solving

Julia: so, this is step 5 rights. Setting limits and problem solving together it’s this is really important concept so its ok to feel blank but it’s not ok to do blank. Yeah that’s really important

matt: identify goals or motivation by asking what the child wants to accomplish or what they need. So, you’re really helping to shift your identity and find that need

Julia: it’s in a positive sense and not in a negative way and again this applies to couples who are ‘I don’t need you to do this you can’t do this’ not in a negative sense but you want to address in positive way ‘what I need is, what do you need? What do you want?’

matt: yeah, brainstorming solutions so, if there under three years old give them two choices don’t try to have them come up with and answer. Do you want ketchup or mustard? Just keep it very simple and to the fact so that they can choose one or the other. They still have a sense of perceived control where they can see which they can really appreciate where you’re setting limits. Evaluating the solutions together and allow your child to choose a solution so you’re brain storming and that’s really going to help them when they become more independent thinking and they’re going to start to sift through and hear the parents voice calming them, navigate them internally so really being collaborative in that so that they can have the self-coaching tool later in life. There’s a book called setting limits with your strong-willed child. I read this when I was residency at children’s hospital and it’s such a great book because it talked a lot about limit setting and doing it with very strong-willed children and so it has really challenging scenarios but it showed how parents can successfully show and really, we want to give you guys resources and this is a good picture to take if you want to take a picture. These are some books that really resonated with us as parents and as coaches and

Julia

matt: if you guys have taken a picture of this I’ll give it another second or two and we want to give you guys some upcoming workshops as well doctor jones got me this speciality is relationships, especially in the home with couples there was research done at uc Berkley it was by on and con a couple professors and they did a longitudinal study on parenting and the best parenting tactic and what they found was that the best was not that anything a parent does to a child or directly that. The best parenting tactic was the relationship between the spouses or the partners at home cause again that model right, they see and they follow suit so when they see a dad being very dismissing to a spouse and criticising, they learn about relationships just from watching so wat Gottman is saying work on the quality of your relationship do certain things to fill the gaps with certain principles to combat the four negative habits that we all see in couples in relationships so Julia and I are going to go through what those seven principles are and give scientific tools its really kind of an educational experience it’s not group therapy or anything like that and that’s what I love about Gottman, that its more coaching, its more scientific and then another thing is the artists way, its really interesting its written by Julia Cameron and how adults, we lose the sense of creativity, we just lose that creativity so the artists way is the guided to journey to help regain that creativity in us. We can be a successful business leader, you can be a grandparent, you can be an artist, whatever it might be, you just all need creativity the problem solving in everything that we do so that’s a great class. and then another thing that I want to share is that if you want more emotion coaching techniques and you want a little bit more tailored experience, Julia is available she’s one of the only Gottman emotion coaches here in the area so she will be a great resource and we have cards

Julia: we take insurance so yeah

matt: so what we covered, doctor Gottman and his research in the emotion coaching, we unpacked the 4 parenting styles, reviewed the 5 steps to emotion coaching, discussed the barriers to some of the emotion coaching and discussed what not to use in the emotion coaching and also problem solving techniques and that’s what we did very quickly but we wanted to just give you an overview of what this kind of experience might feel like and if you want to dive into it a little bit more, you can always contact Julia. any questions that you might have? any thoughts?

audience member female: can you talk a little bit more about public situations. I feel like it’s a bit stress and bonding and because everybody is watching you, you can’t help it, there’s all this noise and so you mentioned living in this situation, is this the best tactic?

matt: you know I was thinking about and I worked with a lot of organizations and leaderships and a lot of the times when someone is misbehaving in a meeting in the boardroom, the boss calling the behaviour out and kind of almost shaming that person on the spot, it never turns out right and its always like can I see you after the meeting, it might just be like that but as parents, how do we incorporate that into the situation, it’s always best to see if you can remove that saying ‘you’re coming with me, let’s go to the bathroom’ something that and it can be effective when there’s a lot of communication and setting the before the event actually happens you need to let them you know that they know that that its bad or they know they have cues or signals or symbols like do you want to go to bathroom or do we need to do this so they can identify certain limits and what the consequences are and you’re communicating that in the public setting very privately without shaming them in that moment.  so, there’s expectation there’s talked about communication tools that you have already established and talked about and so that they can associate in their mind when mommy says where going to go to the corner that means okay I get it or it might not work in the moment because their emotions are huge right there all on the floor picking and crying and sometimes you just you need to be able to be the commander of the ship

Julia: Sometimes we have to ask ourselves is this age appropriate or not so if I’m at Sephora looking for make up for over 30 minutes, my daughters not going to take it right so is this age appropriate right and if not, I think it’s best to always pull them out [57:04 – 57:11]

female audience member: I feel like you have to follow through you have to be abandoned to abandon the cart if you have to take them to the bathroom because of its always a threat then it’ll never work

Matt: Yes

Female Audience Member: you but you have to be prepared to like okay I said I was going to take you to the bathroom we’re leaving the cart here full of groceries and we are going to the bathroom it only takes a time or two and then they’ll understand that you mean it

Matt: yeah see I love that that’s coming from experience right there right [Laughter]

female Audience member: I never had to abandon the cart Matt: yeah [ laughter] but they need to learn that theres boundaries and consequences and theyre going to, they do, in the end, they respect that but you gotta follow it up with if this happens, mommy means what she says

female audience member: there have been plenty of times when ive made threats to them like youre not going to watch anymore. the whole thing is going off. now im the one that has to suffer because theyre suffering too but you have to kind of give it up sometimes to like the dishes arent going to be done cause its been too much tv. help them feeling and help them label,that you know youre feeling this way,okay well you dont understand that and youre feeling bored but its not okay to do that,next time you cant do that and next time come up with something you can do and then come up with a solution.

Matt : any other questions?

female audience:dp you think emotional coaching would work with like ADHD or something like thatwhere its just imisive or just if we can get your email adress we could just email you on that there is more uses for difficult behavior challenges but i mean emotional coaching it does apply to parenting,relationship and ill give you more resources

Matt:any other questions that resonate with us?whats one thing you cant take away

Audience:seperating emotions from behavior

Julia:thats the key yes

Audience : your relationship with your partner or spouce thats the feeling their gonna stick with you

*laughter*

Audience : you really dont think about it youre just trying to set your child on the right path and you go and do the opposite and its gonna stick with me

Julia: we learn 33% and only 3% visually